Embarrassment

Customers of Size

2011-12-11T11:03:00.001-07:00

I was taking a look at the Southwest Airlines Policies and saw a link that said "Customers of Size". I like their policy. It makes sense. If you are so big that you can't fit in one seat, you have to pay for two seats, BUT if the flight was not full, you can request a refund of the additional seat.

So, this got me thinking. If I like to stretch out on the plane, can I buy two seats for one passenger? And then get a refund if the flight isn't full? That would be great!

I can see it now. I'm sitting in my usual window seat on the airplane as the other passengers are looking for a place to plop down. One by one they point to the seat next to me and say, "Do you mind if I sit here?" Then every time I get to respond, "No. That's where my feet will be." If they have a problem with it, I'll show them my "special needs" ticket and tell them to be on their way to that row on the back with the seats that don't even recline. Then after the flight, I can get a refund (assuming the flight wasn't full).

There's no way they would let me though. Companies are always discriminating against "customers not of size".

Some More Signs

2011-10-21T20:05:00.000-06:00

I found some more signs that needed correcting. They're very obvious. That's probably why no one bothered fixing them earlier.

Signs

2011-09-18T15:37:00.000-06:00

I often see signs where the graphic doesn't match the caption, so I took the liberty of correcting a couple that I frequently see in public restrooms.

Lies to Tell My Children

2011-08-31T20:18:00.001-06:00

Kids will believe anything, right? So the following are lies I will tell my children…

I invented the winky emoticon ; )

I went to high school with Zac Efron

I wrote the lyrics to Will Smith’s “Gettin' jiggy wit it”

Cell Phones were called “pimp talkas” till 2004

The Democratic Party was formed when Nazis and Communists reached a compromise.

Dentists aren’t allowed to go to another dentist.

The idea of fashion design was started by FDR as part of the New Deal. It was meant to keep effeminate men out of the unemployment lines…where they were frequently ridiculed.

“Longitude” is the worst cuss word anyone could say.

Hot dogs got their name because of the factories where dogs would make them before the labor laws were changed and dogs were no longer permitted to earn a decent living....It was hot in the factories.

I once had a tattoo of a rhino...on my face.

Why I Would Be an Awful Film Critic

2011-07-30T21:25:00.000-06:00

When I watch a movie, I want to see good likeable characters living out happy lives. I don't want the guy and girl to be mad at each other due to some misunderstanding. I don't want the superhero to lose his powers. I don't want anyone to die...ever. There can be conflict in the form of bad guys that have to be defeated, but the main character has to do the right thing every time and there can never be any question that he will succeed. The hero can be willing to sacrifice his life to save someone, but in the end everything has to turn out okay. Only happy endings.

So, my perfect movie would be the cheesiest, most boring, most shallow movie ever created.

On a separate note, spell check is telling me "likeable" is spelled incorrectly. Is it really "likable" it just looks wrong for some reason.

Depersonalization

2011-06-21T16:36:00.000-06:00

I had my first depersonalization episode last night. It worried me at the time, because it seemed really weird and a little scary, but I just went to bed hoping everything would be normal in the morning. Luckily I was right. It turns out depersonalization is extremely common so it's funny I don't remember ever hearing about it before. It's also nothing to worry about. One isolated episode isn't indicative of any mental illness although I admit I felt like I was going crazy.

You may find this interesting, but I won't go into too much detail because there is a chance you may not find this interesting. It was about ten o'clock at night and I was flipping through tv channels to confirm that nothing good was on and everything was still right with the world. I then went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I looked in the mirror, I didn't recognize myself. I mean...I recognized myself as if my reflection were an acquaintance of mine, but not ME. I looked at myself and moved my lips and scrunched up my nose, but the movements were unfamiliar and disconnected as if someone were copying my movements, but not even very well. I felt there was a slight time lag between my movements and the movements in the mirror. I felt like I was in an episode of Quantum Leap.

I then started to ask myself, if this reflection isn't mine what do I EXPECT myself to look like? I couldn't answer that. I finally decided that something weird was going on and I should stop looking in the mirror and just go to sleep before I really freaked myself out.

Walking to bed everything felt uncertain and unreal. I was afraid that I was dreaming and the dream could turn into a nightmare. I imagined a monster breaking down the door and coming after me. Due to my strange frame of mind it felt entirely possible, so I curled up and just hoped I would either fall asleep or wake up before it happened.

Okay, I went into more detail than I planned. I apologize. Anyway, I recognize myself just fine now and feel nicely anchored in reality.

Words of Wisdom and Math

2011-06-02T20:02:00.002-06:00

So in math you have this thing called division

If you divide a pie, for example, by eight. You end up with eight pieces of pie.

That's why you can't divide by zero. How do you divide a pie into zero pieces?

Actually, when pie is concerned. Dividing by zero is equivalent to dividing by 500.

Because if you divide a pie 500 times, you have zero pieces of pie.

Thank you for you attention.

Why I Won't be Seeing The Book of Mormon Musical

2011-04-17T08:24:00.000-06:00

On Facebook I saw a link to an article entitled "Why I Won't be Seeing the Book of Mormon Musical". I didn't read the article, but it's the inspiration for this post. So, here are MY reasons for not seeing it.

I never liked South Park
Tickets are like 175 buckaroonies a piece
It's in New York
It's probably pretty offensive
I don't particularly like musicals of any kind
We would need a babysitter
I wouldn't know how to dress for it

I know this list has enriched your lives. So, most of my blogging energy has been going into my coaching blog or leaving comments on Alan's blog after every holiday. I should really post here more often. Lately I've been working, playing with Ruby, and sleeping. I should really have more adventures so I have something to post here more often. That leaves me with insights from my unique point of view as a 27 year old, white, middle-class, male. A Mormon who went to BYU, served a mission in South America, went back to BYU where he met his wife, and now lives in Utah. Oh wait! That's right! My point of view isn't unique at all!

I'm watching Ruby right now so Becca can sleep in. Ruby is currently trying to eat our new camera. She only has two teeth, so I'm not worried about her getting very far. It's in a bag too. Now she got herself stuck in a corner and is trying to navigate herself out of it. She just said "dada". As far as I can tell, "dada" means "I like to make sounds and dada happens to be one of them". Now she's working on the camera again.

In summary, I'm happy. We're anticipating some changes in our lives, but for now, we're just enjoying the present by hanging out with friends, eating good food, and watching horrible movies.

I've Been Poisoned!

2011-03-31T16:58:00.000-06:00

Food poisoning that is. At least it sure seemed like food poisoning. I don't want to believe it though, because that means one of my favorite restaurants tried to kill me! That leaves me with only three options.

1. Risk my life for a mushroom, bacon, bleu cheese, and buffalo sauce burger with a side of fries by going again.
2. Be unhappy forever by never going again.
3. Lick every doorknob and remote control I come into contact with for the next few months in an effort to build up an immune system capable of combating a healthy dose of contaminated mushrooms.

In the mean time... funny video below! Don't watch all of it. The first thirty seconds is enough to get the idea.

I'm 27!

2011-02-27T12:23:00.002-07:00

I'm getting closer and closer to 30! The great thing about my birthday is that I make resolutions at New Year's, and don't keep them, but then I can make new resolutions at Chinese New Year and not keep them, but then I can make new resolutions again at my birthday and...we'll see. Third time's a charm, right?

It has been a great birthday weekend. Yesterday, we went out to a restaurant called Magelby's while Katy graciously watched our child for us. Magelby's is a fancy-for-our-simple-tastes restaurant here in Springville. We learned that the downstairs, which always seems fancier and nicer than upstairs, is where they serve steak and seafood. We wanted to sit downstairs, but we also wanted chicken and pasta, so we sat upstairs with the riff raff. Becca's food and the cake was REALLY good. My food was, okay. The waiter was funny. Every time he spoke to us he took this weird "please don't hit me" stance. It made me feel a little uncomfortable, yet powerful.

Today, we had my birthday breakfast and I opened my presents. Later tonight I believe some friends are coming over to celebrate me and how wonderful it has been to have me in their lives for another year. Becca got me a ton of really awesome presents. The best was a book she made that is filled with pictures, funny comics, and nice things she forced people to say about me. When I say she made the book, I don't mean she made it on the computer and then had it printed. She actually MADE the book. She took a neat old book and used the cover and filled it with paper and scapbooked the heck out of it. It turned out great, and I love it. And I love her.

Perfect Intersection

2011-02-07T21:17:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to blog about this. It happened a month ago and I'm still thinking about it, so it must be a pretty big stinking deal. 4 cars arrived at the intersection at the same time and everyone could do what they needed to do at the same time. IT WAS AMAZING!!! There was still a slight hesitation as everyone thought, "there's no way this can actually be happening.

Happy New Year!!!

2011-01-01T00:00:00.001-07:00

I'm Betty White's biggest fan!!! I can safely say that I was the first person to say that this year. That means I hold the title until 2012.

Last Post of the Year

2010-12-31T23:59:00.002-07:00

6:00pm
This is it. I'm not posting until next year. I'm sick with a cold and sitting home alone. I'm okay though because I have some Sunkist, Li'l Smokies, and Cookies n' Cream ice cream. Later on I'll be watching the new Karate Kid movie from Netflix. For now I'm flipping through channels and watching funny Youtube videos. Here's one I just found.

6:40pm
I've tried this. It's amazing! I never knew how inefficient I was at taking my shirt off. I'll be doing it at midnight to celebrate. Sorry you can't be here to see it.

7:00pm
The new Rocky movie is on. I can't remember anything about it. Does that mean I can watch it again, or does it mean it's not worth watching?

8:11pm
TV is really letting me down! When should I start watching Karate Kid? I think it'll have to be soon. Videos like these continue to entertain me though.

9:00pm
Rocky was pretty good! I am absolutely insane with amazement that a guy with a half paralyzed face, a beautician father, and the name Sylvester could create such notoriously tough characters like Rambo and Rocky. I also find it interesting that some of the few republicans in Hollywood are Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, and Kelsey Grammer. That's right. Join the Republican Party and you'll have Rambo, The Terminator, Walker Texas Ranger, John McClane, and Frasier Crane in your corner. Those are some tough cookies. If you prefer Sean Penn, well, good luck with that.

11:15pm
So far I'm loving the new Karate Kid. The age group is maybe a little too young, but I still like it. I think seeing teenagers beat each other up is more exciting than preteens.

11:50pm
Karate Kid is over. Now I'm watching Reba McEntire singing on Fox. Not really how I want to end this year. Hmmm... Ryan Seacrest isn't any better and Dick Clark makes me sad. NBC, don't let me down! Carson Daly? Well, I guess he's as good as it's gonna get. You and me Carson. Let's bring in the new year.

11:59pm

10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...

Decisive, Derisive, or Divisive

2010-12-07T11:54:00.002-07:00

I need to be one of these three things, but I can’t decide which one. Oh wait, now I can! I’m decisive! I did it!

These phrases will no longer be common in my vocabulary when making a decision.

What do YOU want?
I’m up for anything
Whatever
I don’t care
I don’t know

When making a decision that involves other people, my main focus is usually determined by what I think other people want me to decide. This is very considerate/annoying of me. If Becca asks me what I want for dinner, chances are she’s asking because she wants to know what I want for dinner. When deciding I need to first evaluate my wants and needs, then I’m allowed to ask, “What might Becca want?”, but if the answer to that question is I’m not sure, or I don’t know, it can’t be taken into consideration when making my decision. Too often I’ll debate in my mind for hours about whether or not Becca secretly wants to eat out, or stay in, or cook something fancy, or make some Kraft Mac n’ Cheese, that no decision is ever made by me. If; however, I remember that Becca has been wanting to try a new Indian dish, and that sounds like fun to me, I can say, “How about you make a list of ingredients for that Chicken Tikka Masala and I’ll run to the store and pick them up?”

My desire to please other people also results in me deferring to “I don’t know, what do YOU want to do?” OMG, other than “OMG” that is the most annoying thing I can say. It’s such a cop out! It says “I’m too weak and pathetic and lazy and unintelligent and indecisive and absentbackboned to think of anything. You do all the work for me instead” Here is a better way...

Scenario 1

Someone in group: “What should we do?”
Kyle: (First activity with positive connotations that pops into my head) “Let’s watch Seinfeld!”

Scenario 2

Becca: “Kyle, what do you want to do?”
Kyle: (First activity with positive connotations that pops into my head) “Watch Seinfeld!”

Okay, I see a problem with this method now. Seinfeld will ALWAYS be the answer. Let’s make it the second activity with positive connotations that pops into my head.

Finished Christmas Shopping for my Side of the Family

2010-11-30T23:59:00.001-07:00

We were on top of things this year. We started getting Christmas gifts back in August, or maybe even earlier. I can’t remember, but it was dang early. This means that we can sit back and relax without feeling any gift related stress. Well, that’s not entirely true. Becca and I haven’t bought each other any gifts yet. I do have an idea of what I want to get her. It’s just a matter of going out in to the world and seeing if what I want to get her…A: exists and B: is within our budget. If I can’t find it, I’ll give her a coupon for ten free hugs instead. I know what you’re thinking. Lame, right? Wrong! THIS coupon can be used on anyone and they have to give you the hug. It’s legally binding (almost, I’m still trying to push the legislation through congress). So she can call up Michael Caine, Bear Grylls, Carrot Top, Mathew Perry, Phil Donahue, Lady Gaga, Bill Murray, George W. Bush, Jared Padalecki, and Jensen Ackles to have the most memorable group hug in the history of the United States. Who would be on your list for a group hug?

Got a Flu Shot

2010-11-29T23:59:00.000-07:00

I don’t worry about the flu shot being dangerous, but I don’t worry about the Flu that much either, so I never get the shot. This time Becca and I did it for Ruby’s sake. I figure there is zero chance that me getting a flu shot could hurt Ruby, but somewhat of a chance it could help her, so why not? Plus it was free.

The topic of vaccines reminds me that Ruby had her two month vaccinations. It was so sad! She cried and cried and cried. Now that she actually has tears, it’s really sad when she cries like that. I ended up going out in the Great Blizzard of 2010 to get her some baby Tylenol, but I’m glad I did because it seemed to help.

I tend to group different beliefs together as if they’re a package deal. Sometimes I immediately discount something because it’s in the same package as other things I don’t agree with. For example, I never worry about vaccines and plan on giving Ruby all of them, mainly because it’s recommended, but secondarily because I group not giving your children vaccines with organic food, which I hate. It would have been the same thing with circumcision if we had a boy. I can’t think of any reason why circumcision would be necessary, but I associate NOT circumcising your baby boy with organic food, so I would probably look up articles that support circumcision in order to justify it. I haven’t bothered seriously researching global warming for the same reason. If the global warming people win, somehow that translates to me having to eat organic food. You see, as a microbiologist, when I read “organic” on a product it means “contaminated”. I don’t consider it healthier in any way shape or form. The only thing that makes it healthier is that they don’t make organic Snickers. Call me old fashioned, but I’d rather have low levels of pesticides in my foods than the pests themselves.

Basically, liberals would have a better chance of converting me to their ideals if it weren’t for Organic Food.

Bought Some LemiShine So Our Dishes Can Actually Look Clean

2010-11-28T19:14:00.003-07:00

Our water is so hard, people use it to sharpen their diamond drill bits. Our water is so hard, it makes my abs jealous. Our water is so hard, Deep Thought can't solve it. Our water is so hard, Jack Bauer chose to sleep in when the president called to say it was about to attack LA.

Simple rinse agents won't cut it. The only thing that has worked so far is LemiShine. Our dishes were always cloudy and just got worse and worse. I thought we had bad detergent that wasn't washing off. Then I saw a bottle of LemiShine at Wal-Mart and the picture on the package showed our exact problem.

I bought it, tried it, and there's no going back. Our dishwasher still isn't that great. We have to rinse off our dishes before they go in there, but at least the washer doesn't make the dishes look dirtier.

If you have this problem...get this product.

Watched "The Walking Dead"

2010-11-27T17:42:00.002-07:00

If on Sunday night you turn on your TV and change the channel to AMC, you WILL see the Walking Dead. They show the previous week's episode, and then the new episode, and then they replay the new episode. Needless to say, they are a wee bit excited about this show. WITH GOOD REASON! It's a TV show about zombies. The violence may be graphic at times and it may not be for everyone, but it will teach you a lot if you let it. Consider the lists below.

Things I Learned from The Walking Dead.

1. The living need to stick together.
2. I should be grateful for living in a zombie free nation.
3. It's not really looting if 90% of the human population is dead.
4. Forgiveness is good.
5. Bravery is good.
6. Racism is bad.

Things I Learned in College.

1. Nothing

Read the Letter Writing Chapters in Etiquette.

2010-11-26T23:59:00.000-07:00

Etiquette by Emily Post should be required reading. I've only read a couple of chapters online, but so far I love it. I also love the idea of etiquette. Probably following all her rules from the 1920s would make you more weird than proper, but a little bit more etiquette in the world couldn't hurt. I, like most young men my age, have zero etiquette and until recently have been just fine with that. Reading the letter writing chapters made me realize that I may have a thing or two to learn about interpersonal communication and relationships. Here are some excerpts that will give you a feel for the book...

THE ART of general letter-writing in the present day is shrinking until the letter threatens to become a telegram, a telephone message, a post-card. Since the events of the day are transmitted in newspapers with far greater accuracy, detail, and dispatch than they could be by the single effort of even Voltaire himself, the circulation of general news, which formed the chief reason for letters of the stage-coach and sailing-vessel days, has no part in the correspondence of to-day.

Back then she was worried about the telegram or post card replacing the letter. What would she have thought of the fate of the letter had she known about email, texting, cell phones, blogs, and Facebook?

The difference though, between letter-writers of the past and of the present, is that in other days they all tried to write, and to express themselves the very best they knew how—to-day people don’t care a bit whether they write well or ill. Mental effort is one thing that the younger generation of the “smart world” seems to consider it unreasonable to ask—and just as it is the fashion to let their spines droop until they suggest nothing so much as Tenniel’s drawing in Alice in Wonderland of the caterpillar sitting on the toad-stool—so do they let their mental faculties relax, slump and atrophy.

Those who use long periods of flowered prolixity and pretentious phrases—who write in complicated form with meaningless flourishes, do not make an impression of elegance and erudition upon their readers, but flaunt instead unmistakable evidence of vainglory and ignorance.

Came Up With an Idea That Would Change the World

2010-11-25T20:05:00.003-07:00

Here in America we like our soft drinks cold. We usually accomplish this with ice. You can get a 44oz drink filled with ice and will stay cold for a car trip or movie, but by the time you're done with it, it's watered down due to the melted ice!

The problem... Watered down drinks

The solution... Ice made out of whatever you're drinking

Imagine going to Taco Bell and having a soda fountain with individual ice dispensers for every product. Coke ice for you coke, root beer ice for your root bear, water ice for your water. It would be amazing! If you're feeling really crazy you could even have Dr. Pepper ice in you Coke. Oh SNAP! I just went there!

In Other News!
It's Thanksgiving! We had a delicious meal at our house with Katy and Ashley. We had the following...

Turkey
Stuffing
Gravy
Green Bean Casserole
Mashed Potatoes
Sweet Potatoes
Crescent Rolls
Chocolate Pie
Pumpkin Cheesecake

The other problem... It turns out that ice made out of soda is a lot softer, slushier even than normal ice. It must be the sugar content. Anyway, it's more like having a coke and putting coke slush in it. THAT already kind of exists in the form of a Slurpee you can get at any 7-Eleven. So basically, it would have to be a normal coke, that you fill with coke Slurpee to keep it cold.

My dream is to solve the diluted drink dilemma. It will happen one day.

Went to the Airport

2010-11-24T23:59:00.000-07:00

We went to the airport to pick up Katy! Nieman accompanied us too, so that's cool. We were looking forward to this trip to the airport because it would be Katy's first time to meet Ruby.

This seems as good a time as any to tell everyone my secret to parking at the Salt Lake International airport. When picking someone up, go directly to the third level. DO NOT drive around the first level or even the second level looking for a spot. It just takes a second to go to the third level and you'll get a spot directly by the door. DIRECTLY BY THE DOOR! It used to be free for the first 30 minutes. Now it costs two bucks. Kind of lame, but I enjoy waiting for people at baggage claim rather than coordinating a curb side pick up. It's worth the two bucks for me.

So we picked up Katy, and she instantly fell in love with Ruby and we listened to Meat Loaf as we drove home.

Started Listening to “The Millionaire Mind” on CD

2010-11-23T11:21:00.006-07:00

This little adventure started with a trip to the Springville Library. For the past several months I’ve been listening to Dave Ramsey on my computer while working. After three hours of Dave Ramsey Monday through Friday for several months, I decided it was time to change. So, I went to the library in search of a book on CD and happened upon The Millionaire Mind by Thomas J. Stanley. Stanley is also the author of The Millionaire Next Door. The book is based on his research on what is important to millionaires and to what they attribute their success.

Here are some interesting things I picked up…

- With the exception of doctors and attorneys, few millionaires think education was important to their success. Most had a C in college or never graduated.
- Having a supportive spouse was very important
- Religion was very important
- Believing in themselves was very important

Here are some aspects of the millionaire mind that I am lacking…

- A competitive spirit
- Willingness to take a risk, given the right return
- Ability to ignore critics, or a strong desire to prove them wrong

The book was pretty good overall. It doesn’t try to teach you how to be a millionaire. It just says, “Hey, here is what goes on in a millionaire’s head. Just so you know.” Some of the information will be very useful if I ever join the millionaire community. For example, when I’m a millionaire I should…

- Buy a well built 3 or 4 bedroom home in a nice older neighborhood
- Buy solid wood furniture able to last generations and when it gets worn, refinish it rather than replace it.
- Play golf.
- Ask my attorney and CPA for advice on just about everything I do.
- Go against the crowd. Buy when people are selling. Sell when people are buying.

Started Planning CONNECT! 2011

2010-11-22T16:50:00.002-07:00

It's so easy to communicate. I can see what friends are up to in Utah, Texas, and Chile in a matter of minutes. I can look at pictures from a party that an old roommate attended. I can see who's married, who's having kids, and whose favorite TV show is Seinfeld. The problem is that communication is becoming so efficient that we're getting lazy and losing the subtle joys of a handwritten letter or a conversation with friends over dinner. Emails have their place. Facebook has its place. Texts have their place. Blogs have their place. None of them; however, should replace meaningful personal communication. It's time to connect again! That's the point of CONNECT! 2011.

CONNECT! 2011 is a program that is completely free and open for anyone to participate in. It involves four goals related to rebuilding connections with friends, family, and your community. Anyone who completes all four goals in the month of January and sends me a Facebook message or email telling me what they enjoyed about the experience, will be entered to win a little prize. Sorry Becca, while you're encouraged to participate, we will be excluded from the drawing.

Anyway, I'm really excited about getting this going. Mark you calendars for December 15th when I'll be releasing all the details about the program. If you haven't already, you should "like" the Vaughn Life Coaching fan page on Facebook. I plan on making it the main hub for CONNECT! 2011 when it starts. It will be a place for people to ask questions, share ideas, and brag about success.

Started Making My Christmas Wish List

2010-11-21T20:05:00.009-07:00

There's actually not too much to say about this one. Some books and some electronics. Mostly things that will help out with coaching. I think I'll try out one of those gift finder things to see what someone my age SHOULD want for Christmas. Here's the best three from Find Gift. What the heck is a sextant? I wouldn't have any idea what to do with it. This one looks like it's used for navigating by the stars and finding out your eyeglass prescription at the same time.

Gave Ruby her Baby Blessing

2010-11-20T14:55:00.004-07:00

This one happened on November 7th. It's amazing how nerve wracking it was to stand up in front of the entire church and give her a blessing. I'm sure it was just the pressure. Becca's parents came from California and my parents came from Wyoming plus other people came from places closer, but still out of the way all for something that probably lasted less than a minute. Ruby was really good and didn't cry at all. THAT helped a ton. In fact, because of her good behavior, I'm willing to overlook the incident when she pooped all over the wall during one of my first times to change her diaper.

I've decided that more than anything, I want Ruby to have confidence. If she can have confidence in God, and herself, and her parents, and the way the world works, it will be easy for her to be happy. I know that second guessing things has caused me way too much heartburn in my life. I want "what if?" to be a constructive question and not one of worry for Ruby. "What if?" should help her consider risk before making a decision, and not plague her with worry about things out of her control.

So, Ruby, if you are reading this several years in the future, remember that as long as you do what you know is right and don't abandon your values, everything will work out one way or another. You'll know that trials are opportunities to grow and learn and not punishment for anything you've done. So, find your values early and hold on to them tightly.

Created a Poll for CONNECT! 2011

2010-11-19T13:36:00.002-07:00

Take the poll on Facebook!

What is CONNECT! 2011?

Well it’s a free program/challenge that I’m developing for January next year for life coaching. I’d tell you more about it, but I should save that for item number 6 on my list of 14 things. So, I created my first poll on Facebook to get people thinking about their connections with other people and how those connections might be improved. The theme of this poll was letter writing. I’m sorry to say that the number of people who have taken the poll is dismal. I could get three times the response just asking people at work. Maybe people see the poll and think it would take too long. It’s only three questions, and not even difficult questions. All in all, Facebook is really letting me down. I thought it would be a great tool to get the word out, but I’m starting to think that a single flyer taped to a light post on any random street corner would generate more interest. Oh well, I haven’t even started advertising the program itself, so I shouldn’t let low response to a poll get me down. It’s just that I’m so excited about it and I want that excitement to catch on! So if you could do me a real solid click here, have your friends click here, have your enemies click here, have your grandma click here and take my poll!

Bought a Space Heater for Ruby’s Room

2010-11-18T17:00:00.000-07:00

Well, Old Man Winter is here. What happened to autumn? I really wish liberals hadn’t made up climate change in an attempt to usurp power and regulate every aspect of our lives. What do we have to show for it? A ridiculously subsidized ethanol industry and no more autumn or spring. Obama must really like skiing and swimming, and hate blooming flowers and changing leaves. In 2012, vote against anyone who says, “climate change” in any context. If we just stop giving it attention it will go away. That’s what happened to Y2K. No one talks about it anymore, and it went away. In all seriousness though, in my non-expert opinion, people’s hot air causes more global warming than SUVs. The graph below should illustrate my point. It shows the average high temperature in Springville, UT the first 7 months of Obama’s presidency. Way to go Obama. At this rate we’ll all be dead in a couple of years.

So, we got a coupon in the mail for Lowe’s and decided to get a space heater to keep Ruby’s room warm while not wasting heat on the office, kitchen, bathrooms, living room, etc... I found one for $18 that had good reviews. Well, the coupon was for $10 off a purchase of $50 or more, so we walked around looking for anything else we might need. After a few minutes it became obvious that we didn’t really “need” anything, so it was pointless to spend $32 in order to “save” $10. We just bought the heater and then went to Old Navy where we also had a coupon, but didn’t buy anything. Back to the heater. It’s really good for being so cheap. It has a thermostat and a cool safety feature that shuts the unit off if it is ever knocked over. I’m impressed with the amount of heat it puts out on the 800 watt setting. It also has a 1500 watt setting, but so far there hasn’t been any need to use it. I expect that the gas company will start sending us checks instead of bills with all the energy we’re saving.

14 Things

2010-11-17T13:19:00.002-07:00

Below are 14 things I’ve done so far this month. I would say they are in no particular order, but that would be a lie. Can you guess the order? Okay, don’t even bother because if you can figure it out, your genius will scare me too much. Here’s the answer: I translated them into Spanish and then alphabetized them in ascending order by the first word and returned them to English while maintaining the order.

1.Ate at the Pizza Pie Café with Coworkers
2.Bought a space heater for Ruby’s room
3.Created a Poll for CONNECT! 2011
4.Gave Ruby her baby blessing
5.Started making my Christmas wish list
6.Started Planning CONNECT! 2011
7.Listened to “The Millionaire Mind” on CD
8.Went to the airport
9.Came up with an Idea that would change the world
10.Read the Letter Writing Chapters in Etiquette by Emily Post
11.Watched “The Walking Dead”
12.Got some LemiShine so our dishes could actually look clean
13.Got a Flu Shot
14.Finished Christmas Shopping for my side of the family

So, there are 14 days left in this month and I intend to write a blog a day about the above topics in the above order. That will result in more blogging than I have done in a very long time. Since I’m counting today as day 1, here’s my first post:

Ate at the Pizza Pie Café with Coworkers

If you haven’t heard me go on and on about the Pizza Pie Café in Provo, let me just tell you…you’re in for a treat. It’s located in Provo near the Olive Garden, but on the other side of University Parkway where Albertsons used to be. It’s a Salad, Pizza, and Noodle buffet. The selections for your salad are fresh and appetizing and the pizza is good quality for a buffet, but what really gets me is their radiatori noodles with roasted red pepper sauce. OMG it’s TDF! (Read: Oh Em Gee it’s Tee Dee Eff!) It’s also pretty reasonably priced. With tax it’s about 7 bucks for the buffet and at dinner it’s more like 8. If you want to spring for a drink it’s a little bit more. If it were cheaper, say 6 bucks with a drink included at lunch time, I would be there every day. EVERY DAY. But, if it was that cheap everyone would be there every day and it would be too crowded and I couldn’t go anymore due to my dislike of crowds and long waits. Catch 22. Catch freaking 22. If you’re hungry, and want to eat until pepperoni is spilling out your ears, you know where to go.

So, yeah, we went there for lunch. I ate till I was sick. I hope to do it again soon.

Blessing

2010-11-03T20:47:00.003-06:00

So, our lives have been pretty Rubycentric the past 6 weeks, but we've still been able to do cool things like going to Council Bluffs's Halloween Party and eating at many fine establishments (Noodles Co.). What's on my mind now is Ruby's baby blessing that is coming up. It has me thinking about what I want for this little girl and her future. Some things will probably make it in to the blessing, but some of them won't just because there isn't enough time. I still want these desires to be recorded in history though so what better place to do that than my blog?

--She will be the first woman on the moon.

--She will marry an age appropriate version of Zac Efron.

--Instead of storming out of the house screaming that she hates us, she'll storm into the house screaming she loves us.

--She'll never get a tattoo, but if she does, it will be of a velociraptor.

--Her first word will be buckminsterfullerene.

--She will watch Seinfeld, and love it, and quote it.

--She will turn down the presidency of the United States on the basis that the American People are coming off as a little too needy.

--She will star in a Die Hard movie with Bruce Willis.

That's actually just some of them. The really good ones are going in the blessing though. In all seriousity, I'm nervous about giving the blessing. If feels like a ton of pressure to do something for the first time in front of a large group of people. I want to memorize it and practice a few times, but it doesn't seem right for some reason. Instead I'm just thinking of some killer things to bless this girl with and I'll see what ends up coming out.

Call me Dad

2010-10-05T11:51:00.004-06:00

The new phase of my life has officially begun. So far so good. Although, I have had a couple of horrifying diaper changing experiences that I wouldn’t wish on Angelina Jolie. Due to help from Becca’s mom and then my mom I was able to postpone the sleep deprivation, but now it’s here in full force. I’m tired and maybe even just a wee bit cranky. For details on Ruby’s birth or how things are going I suggest you take a look at Becca’s blog. She has the go to blog for updates on our growing family. I have the go to blog for Angelina Jolie jokes. Here are some jokes that could have the punch line of “Angelina Jolie”.

What’s brown and sticky?

What do you get when you cross an Elephant and a Rhino?

“Knock Knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Angelina Jolie”
“Go away.”

A prostitute, a slimy hagfish, a democrat, and a balloon filled with yak boogers walk into a bar. They were all Angelina Jolie.

Why do I not like Angelina Jolie? I don’t know. I think that one time Alan said he didn’t like Catherine Zeta Jones, and I later thought he had said Angelina Jolie, so I hated Angelina on behalf of Alan and then when I realized that C. Zeta should have been the true focus of my animosity, it was too late. The seed had been sown. That’s how I remember it at least. Alan, you can correct me if I’m wrong.

So, I like having a baby around the house. It keeps things interesting. I don’t feel like a dad yet, but talking to people who have three kids has taught me that you never really feel like a dad, or at least what you thought it would feel like to be a dad. That’s okay though because I don’t think Ruby thinks of herself as a daughter yet either.

Ready, Set, Birth!

2010-09-15T10:54:00.002-06:00

Well, Becca is over 39 weeks pregnant and we’re all anxious for this baby, most likely to be named Ruby, to bless our lives with crying and dirty diapers. I just diapered a stuffed animal in preparation for this life changing event. That’s all the preparation I really need, right? It has been a LONG nine months, but it will all be worth it if she ever decides to leave the comfort of the womb. I keep trying to tell her that, “the womb is where the heart is” but there’s no use reasoning with someone whose entire existence consisted of a single cell only nine months ago.

Becca and I know that having a baby is going to change a lot of things. Our priorities will need to be updated. Going out to eat at our favorite restaurants will most likely be replaced with paying a baby sitter so we can have a romantic evening at Taco Bell. All my coaching books will be put down so I can read “Mr. Garbanzo Sings the ABC’s and Learns a Valuable Lesson about Self Worth” to my daughter. Growing my career becomes less about buying a fancy car when ours bites the dust and more about paying for the exponential increase in car insurance rates when Ruby turns 16. My motivation for eating right and exercising will be more centered on staying healthy so I can be there for my children and grandchildren, rather than having the perfect beach bod. Maybe I can have the perfect beach bod too though. It just wouldn’t hurt anything is all I’m saying. Anyway, I am so excited to deal with the diapers and the crying and the worry and the challenges and the change. I’m going to be a dad. I’m going to have a daughter. It’s all worth it.

Indubitably

2010-09-04T08:57:00.002-06:00

This comic rocks my world. It's called "White Ninja Takes His Family to France". I love it.

Yesterday I went to a pizza buffet. It was the best pizza buffet I've ever been to, so of course, I ate way too much! I'm still feeling the effects. They also had pasta, so I tried some noodles with a spicy red pepper sauce. I don't usually say this, partly because I've never been a preteen girl, but OMG! I ate so much that Becca's maternity pants would have been a good idea.

This baby still hasn't come. I keep telling Becca to just start pushing, but so far it hasn't done anything. There's no excuse for her to not be born right now. Her lungs are even fully developed. She's just stubborn I guess. Well, we know that sometime in the next few weeks we'll meet her. It's really really really weird. I had a bigger vocabulary I could describe the weirdness. Maybe a quick trip to thesaurus.com could help. It's indubitably preternatural. Yes. Good. I sound far more intelligent now.

Alienation

2010-08-19T08:02:00.003-06:00

You know how you really like an actor or some kind of celebrity, but then they come out with an opinion on some controversial topic that you disagree with and now you can’t bring yourself to respect them, or they say they hate Mormons, and you never want to watch another movie
with Tom Hanks no matter how much you like Big? Well, I was thinking that it’s about time I took sides on key controversial issues so that I may someday become famous and alienate my fan base.

Abortion
I’m all for a woman’s and a man’s right to choose. I believe parents should be allowed to abort their children until the children reach the age of 18. If they make it to 18 they’ve proven their worth as a human and will become responsible adults. If not, well, natural selection
runs its course (see Evolution) and we’ll have a much more respectable population. “Sorry, John, you’re getting too many parking tickets and you’re rebelling too much and not doing your chores. If you don’t clean up your act we’ll have no choice but to abort you.”

Same Sex Marriage
No thanks. Firstly, I like my lady and secondly, dudes are gross.

The Death Penalty
Rename it Abortion and include the right of the government to abort anyone who is a scumbag and over 18. Under 18, the right belongs to the parents.

Evolution
We should be taking a more proactive role. Eugenics and genocide are the name of the game.

I may run for political office one day and I’d hate for some conservative nut job or bleeding heart liberal to quote me on this and hurt my chances, so please read the following message to journalists.

***Message to journalists***The intent of this post is purely satirical. I require that if you choose to quote a section of this post out of context, the following must be included with the quote. “I, the journalist, am taking this out of context. It was taken from a satirical blog post a long time ago, and I am a lice-eating, pimple-popping, booger face and you should give your vote, money, or mercy to Kyle Vaughn”

Parade of Hats: Day 6

2010-07-28T21:10:00.003-06:00

This hat is actually a rubber snake. It's Becca's. I think it fits me better than any of my other hats. Becca made me some hamburger meat and cheese and noodle dish. I call it Premium Hamburger Helper, or Hamburger Helper minus the Help. Maybe we could call it Thanks for Nothing Hamburger. It was REALLY good.

So, this baby is really coming! It gets closer and closer every day. The picture to the left makes me question my preparedness for parenthood, but I'll have plenty of time to grow up before our little girl is old enough to lose all respect for me....hopefully. We're thinking of names, and we seem to be leaning towards Ruby, but nothing will be decided for a while. I like all the nicknames that can go along with it. Ruby Tuesday, Rue, Scooby Ruby Doo, Rhubarb, Kanga-ruby, Rubella, Rubicon, etc...

Parade of Hats: Day 5

2010-07-15T20:29:00.004-06:00

God Bless America! I meant to blog this one on the Fourth of July, but thanks to Becca and her family, I had something better to do on the Fourth than sit at home taking pictures of myself wearing patriotic hats. What happened today you ask? Well, I guess I had nothing better to do than take pictures of myself wearing patriotic hats. I can't really remember where I got this hat. I'm pretty sure it was a thrift store, and it might have been in Canby, Oregon. This is actually the hat I wear most frequently...once a year. Can you guess when?

A couple of weeks ago, Becca and I adopted a zero tolerance policy to preserve our home's cleanliness. So far it's working out great. If I change clothes I know that no article of clothing can go anywhere but my dresser, closet, or hamper. It's an amazing thing, if you never put anything on the floor, the floor is never cluttered! If dishes go directly into the dishwasher, there is never a pile of dishes in the sink! If you always flush the toilet, .... okay that was never a problem.

Parade of Hats: Day 4

2010-06-27T19:05:00.003-06:00

Mmmmm! KFC!! Do you know those people who worked at a fast food place, learned their secrets, and never wanted to eat the food there again? Well, those people didn't work at KFC, and those people weren't me. To this day, I love my Kentucky Fried Chicken. Are the biscuits frozen? Yes. Does that make them any less delicious? No. Are the pot pies and barbeque chicken sandwiches made from leftover chicken that didn't sell? Yes. Does that matter? NO. The food is simply amazing, and I wish I had the secret to the Original Recipe, but I don't. The spices come premixed.

KFC was my first real job. I was there a year and a half during high school before we all got laid off when the store went out of business. I was hired making 5.45 and when I became a shift supervisor my pay got bumped to 6.50. Man, I thought I was rolling in dough! Pretty soon minimum wage is going to be six figures and my grandchildren won't be able to comprehend working for such a small amount of money.

My favorite part of working for KFC was working with Braxton. We had a lot of fun playing "Name that Sound" over the headsets and creating our own special recipes. I also remember an incident involving a frozen glove that makes me smile.

Parade of Hats: Day 3

2010-06-26T22:19:00.003-06:00

This is what I call my "army" hat. I figure that if I had been in the army I would have a hat like this. I think I got this at an army surplus store, so it's gotta be pretty legit. So I took this hat to give me some street cred when I went on a 2 week backpacking trek with boy scouts. I think I was 14. Anyway, while there we got to shoot shotguns, so I shot this hat with a shotgun. One time I accidentally left it in my friends van. I think I was 16. Anyway, when I asked about it later they said they had set it on fire and thrown out on the street. They felt bad and told me where they did it. Miraculously after a week it was still there! It has some ear flaps that come down and those ear flaps used to have some fuzzy felt stuff on them.... but they burned up, so I cut out the burnt part. Now I'm 26 and I still love this hat. We've been through a lot together. Or rather IT has been through a lot....because of me.

Parade of Hats: Day 2

2010-06-12T18:51:00.005-06:00

I love this hat! The only thing I remember from going to the circus is that I got a snow cone. It was one of those snow cones that actually came in a cone and had very little flavor. I'm sure I loved it though. Of course this memory could actually just be a figment of my imagination, or a transplanted memory from when I went to see Hulk Hogan. Anyway, this hat is the bomb.

Yesterday I played some tennis with Alan. It's something we talked about doing for the past three years, but it never happened until now. I get the feeling like I hold my tennis racket like a girl. Well, not like a girl tennis player. More like a girl computer programmer. Yes! That's it! I hold my tennis racket like a girl computer programmer. Now all my muscles ache due to the physical activity that I customarily avoid.

Oh, and I hate to stereotype female computer programmers. I'm sure there are some that are very good at tennis.

Parade of Hats: Day 1

2010-06-11T21:45:00.000-06:00

Hey guys! Guess what. I have a lot of hats! You never see me wearing them because no one ever taught me how. So, I've collected all these hats over the years, and I'm going to show them off on my bliggity-blog. The problem is the camera on my phone isn't that great. Oh well. Such is life. I believe this hat to be a houndstooth fedora with a green and red feather. I collected this one while working at Dillards. It was marked down a lot. My guess is that people these days just don't appreciate style, so no one bought it until my keen eye came along. You see what I mean about not knowing how to wear hats? Look at me! I'm downright laughable! Go ahead; have a good chuckle.

Projects

2010-06-05T15:30:00.004-06:00

Becca and I have officially entered the nesting phase. The past couple of weeks we've been decorating the baby room and in the process thinking of ways to add decor to the rest of our home. I love it. I'm about to go saw the end off of an old door so we can over time transform it into a new headboard. The best part is that these projects result in us getting exactly what we want without paying a ton of money.

So, a lot of people aren't wondering what my thoughts are on becoming a father. Well, I'm going to tell you anyway. I'm totally ready for fatherhood. First off, I have a world famous pancake recipe that would knock your socks off. Second, I'm constantly turning off the television in order to protect it from the dreaded burn in. Third, I'm training my bladder so that whenever I gather the family into the car to go on some fun outing, I'll suddenly have to get out of the car and leave them waiting while I have a talk with mother nature. Forth, while I have never changed a diaper, I HAVE held down a baby while Becca changed her. Fifth, my BBQ skills are improving slowly but surely. I finally got our little grill to put out some real heat. The only thing I have to work on is watching Larry King without losing my mind.

Opening of the Vaughn Vault

2010-05-17T17:52:00.003-06:00

"When I had a safe, I was a child. When I forgot the combination to that safe, I was a child. When I opened the safe without a combination, I became a man." --Ralph Waldo Emerson ....or not

I did have a safe as a kid and I also forgot the combination. My parents have been lugging it around with them every time they move, but a couple of weeks ago they brought it with them when they visited. After a couple of minutes trying to listen for clicks while turning the dial, Alan and I decided that brute force would be the best way to crack this safe. With the help of a hammer and Alan's tire iron, we did it.

What was so important that it had to be kept in a safe? COMIC BOOKS!!! Oh Yeah!

When I was Nine

2010-04-14T20:27:00.002-06:00

If nine-year-old Kyle were to talk to me now he'd say...

What happened to your dream of being a kindergarten cop?! You were going to go undercover and catch bad guys while showing kindergarten kids how cool you are. And why aren't you friends with Garrett anymore. You didn't even invite him to your wedding! He was supposed to be your best man! Oh, well, it's cool that you're married. It's cool that you can drive and buy things with credit cards and stuff. Utah's kind of boring, but you're a scientist. That's awesome! You get to where a lab coat and use a microscope! There are some things you need to do right now. First, start that knife collection that mom wouldn't let you have for fear of you sleep walking and murdering the entire family. Then, learn to play the guitar. You're no one if you're not in a band! That's pretty much it. Bye.

Wow, I think I may have disappointed nine-year-old Kyle, but I have a feeling that he'll be happy when he gets to where I am.

The Appearance of Evil

2010-04-07T18:41:00.003-06:00

So, here's what's up. LDS folks don't drink alcohol or coffee. What do we do for fun?! That's why we should open a bar/hot chocolate place called "The Appearance of Evil" (Borrowed from 1 Thessalonians 5:22 ). We'll only serve virgin drinks, near beer, and fancy hot chocolates. Now we'll have a place to meet people, unwind, talk about our problems, and have a good time. We'll just make sure people have a designated driver in case they've had one Shirley Temple or Roy Rogers too many.

Would it fly? I've hear of people going to Applebee's for virgin drinks. They spend five or six bucks for a glorified fruit juice. And tons of people go to Starbucks for a hot chocolate or caramel apple cider. Why not have fun mixed drinks in cool glasses with fancy garnishes and a delicious variety of hot chocolates and ciders all in one place?

Perspective

2010-03-24T21:35:00.002-06:00

Take a look around you. Take a good hard look at everyone in the room with you. One of them will be dead at the end of the day (assuming of course that you are currently in a room containing a random sample of 5000 Americans). By dividing the number of people who die every day in the United States by the population of the United States, I decided that I have a 0.02% chance of dying any given day. I like my odds. I'm pretty sure I'm going to live forever. Get used to me.

That being said, my website is up and running! Here's a link.

Vaughn Life Coaching, LLC

Vaughn Life Coaching, LLC

2010-03-13T18:35:00.006-07:00

It's official! My business license came in the mail today. I am now the proud owner of Vaughn Life Coaching, LLC. That means I can start taking in paying clients. Now I can transform this very good unprofitable business into a very good profitable one. I guess you could say I'm unintentionally a non-profit organization. I hope to change that shortly though.

For those who are wondering, here's what happened. At the end of last year the following idea popped into my head, "I want to be a life coach!" It started out as a joke because I thought it would be ridiculous for me to actually do it, but the more I thought of it, the more feasible it seemed. I realized the following...

1. I love self-help books. I love reading them and talking about them and applying them.

2. A career as a lab technician or the supervisor of lab technicians is no longer appealing and breaking into cancer research would involve going back to school until I'm 32, not making much money, working my way up the ranks in some organization, and fighting for grants until the day I die which will also quite possible be the day when I realize that cancer still isn't cured and I failed. I'd probably die of cancer too. Ironic. These are all sacrifices I am not willing to make.

3. While I thought I was anti-social and never wanted to deal with people, working alone in a lab all day has taught me that I actually do like dealing with people on a personal level, taking interest in their lives, and even helping them if I can. The anti-social attitude that I accepted as a part of my introverted nature was merely based on a limiting belief that conversation simply wasn't my forte and I was better suited to walking past someone else's conversation, throwing in a sarcastic comment, and going on my merry way. I still believe myself to be introverted, but that doesn't have to be synonymous with anti-social.

4. After a couple months of coaching, I've realized that I love it! It's fun, it gives me energy, and I feel like I have a natural talent for it that can be developed over time. As I coach other people, I also coach myself. That has made me a happier and more well-rounded person.

5. There's low risk. If I can't find clients, or get bored of coaching, or decide that working at Dillards again will be really fun, I don't lose the kind of capital that goes into starting other kinds of businesses.

So, while it started out as a light-hearted joke so that I could say things like, "As your life coach I advise you to give me that brownie" or "As your life coach I say you date so and so", I'm serious now and have formed a business that I hope will develop into a full time career. In short, this isn't like the time I became an ordained minister online.

Heart

2010-03-11T18:34:00.003-07:00

Am I in love? Well, of course I am, but that's not what this is about. Yesterday we went to the doctor and he found a heartbeat in Becca's stomach! I thought to myself. Holy cow! What did she eat? Whatever it was, its still alive. Needless to say I was a little freaked out. Luckily I had no reason to be worried. It turns out that Becca's pregnant! That heartbeat was just the heart of the baby that will be the next member of our family. I'm gonna be a dad. That's so much better that having a wife that eats live beating hearts. Overall I'd say it was a good day.

Retraction

2010-02-22T20:48:00.002-07:00

It turns out that not all creatures need to be saved. The Mucinex species is a prime example. You would think the graphic image of a family of boogers being sneezed and coughed out of a human host would be a great advertising campaign wouldn't you? Um...no. Somehow I doubt I'll be reaching for mucinex for my decongestant needs.

Another thing. What's with the anti smoking commercials?! I am THIS CLOSE to taking up smoking and buying cigarettes for kids just to show them that their tactics are ineffective and unappreciated. I don't want to see brains cut in half and gunk squeezed out of who knows what. People blowing smoke in my face is far less offensive!

Olympic Games

2010-02-20T20:53:00.004-07:00

There are some great things about the Olympics. It's fun to see sports other than Basketball and Football. I like seeing different countries compete and for the most part get along. I also like seeing different countries compete and sometimes cause a bit of controversy. It's also cool that the United States tends to clean up as far as the medal count is concerned. One great thing about being in a country where I know we'll end up with a ton of medals is that I can be happy for competitors from other countries when they win.

On the other hand, there are some things I really hate about the Olympics. I don't like how the difference between a gold medal and no medal can be a tenth of a second in a race or a tenth of a point in a subjectively judged competition. I guess it's ok because the same people seem to consistently win by that hundredth of a second, so it must be a measure of who is the better athlete, but come on, we need high tech timing devices to be able to tell who won! Oh, and this isn't a big deal, but I don't like the medals this year. Too wavy.

I know what it's like to be second place when first place is so close. It's called Doodle. I was almost the world champion of this online game. I would play it for hours and almost perfected the sport, but I could never beat some guy in Greece. His name was cyprusisgreek and he will haunt my dreams until my dying day.

Avoid Him!!!!

2010-02-18T20:17:00.005-07:00

This is the Noid. Avoid the Noid! Man, I really miss this guy. I feel like it was irresponsible of society to avoid him into extinction. Does not our great power to impact the environment require us to take care to conserve the species we displace? Do we not contend to be more than animals following the law of survival of the fittest? While quite possibly the fittest, is living without the beauty and diversity of nature really surviving?

The Noid is gone forever and younger generations have never seen a living 7up Spot.

They are gone, but it's not too late for some of their friends. With your help, we can save these beautiful creatures.

New Year, New Resolutions

2010-01-16T09:51:00.002-07:00

So far I've been quite pleased with 2010. This feels like my year, although, according to Chinese Restaurants my year is the year of the rat and won't happen again until I'm 36. Speaking of being 36, I'm trying really hard to be more athletic, or rather make people think I'm athletic. Being athletic was never a priority for me when I was younger. I attribute this to the fact that I associated athleticism with popularity, and I associated popularity with jerkiness. It seems more and more important as I get older though. The person I want to be plays tennis, runs 3 miles a day, throws around a football with friends, etc... I don't want that to be what my life is about, but I want it to be a part of my life. The principle road block in achieving this is the fact that I have vehemently avoided any form of physical activity for the past 25 years. I gots no skillz yo! I've never been good at throwing a football. When I play tennis I'm really good at knocking the ball over the fence, but unfortunately home runs don't count in tennis. As for running, I usually push myself too hard and fall down in a sweaty sick heap of asthma. Gross. Anyway. Being more athletic is a goal of mine this year.

Neti Pot

2010-01-11T19:54:00.002-07:00

Today a coworker introduced me to the joy of the neti pot. I'll never drink my tea the same way again.

Know Thyself

2009-12-31T14:48:00.002-07:00

My tongue is absolutely destroyed. We got in a shipment of citric acid and I went to town. Once I felt the burning I drank a ton of water and did my best to dilute the acid and minimize the damage, but it was to no avail. I hope it doesn’t ruin our New Year’s Eve celebration tonight. Becca doesn’t know it, but I’m going to leave work early to start the celebration sonner than planned. That way we can spend more time anticipating midnight, the end of the old us, and the beginning of the new us.

Phrenology is very interesting to me. I like to take the little I know about it and assume I know everything. I have a ridge in my skull that indicates Approbativeness, Concientiosness, and Hope. Other bumps indicate Combativeness and Vitativeness. I feel like I’m learning a lot about myself. The problem is that my diagnosis changes depending on the chart I look at. They all seem to be pretty different. I think I’ll do it with all the charts until I find the one that seems to be the most accurate description of my thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and aptitudes. That’s good science right? If that chart is correct for me, it would be correct for everyone right? Of course it would be.

Vitativeness. I had to look up what this one means. Apparently it is the love of life and fear of death. I suppose I love life and fear death. Suicide has never been that appealing to me. Mostly because I think it’s inconsiderate, rather than because of a fear of death. You cause so much paperwork for people, and someone has to find you, and they have to clean up whatever mess you made. Even if I felt like no one would miss me and everyone would be better off, I think of the poor person who has to type up the police report.

Approbativeness. I had to look this one up too. I think it’s the desire for praise and recognition. That sounds like me. If it means the desire to give praise and recognition, no, that’s not me. Needless to say, the self-esteem section of my skull is as flat as a pancake.

If the mole on my head counts as a bump, it represents Secretiveness. Cool. From now on I’ll refer to my mole as my “sneaky mole”, but only in a whisper.

The First Real Snow!

2009-12-06T14:16:00.000-07:00

It's the first real snow of the season, and I am so excited! It's time for snowmen, snowball fights, snow angels, snow tag, snow fiscal planning, and snow reading news online! It's time for Christmas music, which I'm listening to right now, hot chocolate, which I'll be having a little bit later, and wrapping presents, which Becca has taken care of so far this year.

This year is a Vaughn Christmas, so we're headed to Amarillo for a week. I think the last time we went was for Braxton's wedding. I'm looking forward to seeing friends and family that I haven't seen in a while and eating at Rosa's Cafe Tortilla Factory! If you are ever going anywhere in Texas you should go here first and see if there is a Rosa's near by. If you have a GPS in your car, I would recommend marking all the locations, just in case.

Just because it's snowing doesn't mean we can't still enjoy some summertime pleasures. Today we're having a cookout on our balcony. The menu includes steak, grilled asparagus, rolls, fettuccine, and fruit punch. I'm salivating. I really am. This is going to be good.

Becca!!! Come Back!!!

2009-11-17T21:53:00.002-07:00

I'm fine. I don't need anyone. I'm independent. :,(

What I learned today.

The reason chicken has to be cooked all the way through is that it is spongier than beef and pork. Steak and pork are thick enough that all the bacteria stays on the surface of the meet so a quick toss on the grill is enough to kill any bad stuff. Chicken on the other hand has bacteria throughout and therefore needs to be cooked all the way through to ensure a safe piece of meat.

Something about me.

An episode of "Friends" has made me cry.

What I'm Doing

I'm watching a Disney Channel movie. I just had a corn dog for dinner, so I'm thinking of getting something else to eat before I call it a night. I'm living the dream.

So kind. So caring.

2009-11-16T18:42:00.004-07:00

KJV was right!
He's pardoning a turkey in each picture! I love this tradition. I hope it continues with Obama.

What's He Up To?

2009-11-14T19:25:00.006-07:00

Here are some pictures of George W. Bush. Can you guess what he is doing in each picture? Here are some options to choose from. Not all options will be used and options can be used more than once.

Giving a speech

Dodging a shoe

Telling a joke

Signing a document

Cutting a cake

Pardoning a turkey

Checking out Condoleeza Rice

Receiving a Medal

I love George W. Bush. Can you believe people still call him a war monger? Look at the guy! That's ridiculous. Okay, Okay, everyone has a right to call him a war criminal or whatever if they want, but I reserve the right to call Obama a communist. Fair is fair.

I'm home alone again. Becca is paying California a visit. Today I took her to the airport, came home and cleaned. Then I went to Home Depot to get supplies for some little projects I wanted to do. Now the house is clean and the projects are done and I still have a lot of night left. I think I'll watch TV until I pass out. Oh yeah, and our couch came today! It's beautiful. I'd take a picture, but the batteries are dead in my camera and I'm sure Becca has hers with her in California. I may blog about it later, but most likely I'll just wait and let Becca do it. She's better at that kind of thing than me.

Eliza

2009-11-05T19:41:00.004-07:00

"My name is Eliza."

"I'm trapped in a baby's body."

"AND I CAN'T GET OUT!"

"At least I don't have work tomorrow. Suckers."

Scarf

2009-10-29T20:21:00.004-06:00

I like to wear it...

I like to do it...

A Very Long Wait

2009-09-27T12:44:00.003-06:00

Raise your hand if you have ever found yourself at the end of a very long line of people and your only consolation is that although you have not moved forward in the line for the past half hour, the line has grown behind you giving you the illusion of progress and making you appreciate that at least you're not one of the bozos who happened to show up a couple minutes later than yourself. Thank you, you may put down your hands now. Waiting to move in to our condo is SO MUCH WORSE! Can you believe it?! WORSE. I feel like I walked up to the door and knocked. Someone answered and said, "What can I do for you." I responded, "I would like to purchase this home." They replied, "Why of course! Just wait one second". The door closed and I've been standing in the same place waiting for the door to open again for a month. Sometimes I hear footsteps and I think they're coming to end my wait, but inevitably the footsteps fade away along with my hope. With any luck, we'll have the keys Tuesday or Wednesday though.

Raise your hand if seeing bratty no good rotten children in public or on shows like Super Nanny actually make you WANT to have children. MY hand is raised. Part of me believes that I will never have children who behave so poorly, and another part of me likes the idea of a good challenge. I'm already looking up brainwashing techniques. Am I tempting fate? I don't know, and what I don't know can't hurt me.

Raise your hand if you think feminist blogs are comedy's gift to man. I'm not even talking about their hatred of men or outrage over things that men do, or contempt for women who like men. I'm talking about the funny pictures and videos they post. You know what? I recognize that women are treated differently than men, and you know what? It can be funny sometimes. I'm pretty sure that's the point they want to get across. www.feministing.com

Hey, how's it going?

2009-09-03T20:21:00.004-06:00

Long time no blog. Thank you for reading my blog. It makes it feel good about itself. I was talking to it just the other day and it was all like, "You know what? a lot of cool people read me, and I hope some of their coolness rubs off on me". I agree. A lot of cool people read this blog. I know of one absolute moron who reads it too, but everyone else is cool.

Some stuff happened, so here's the HEADLINES.

Kyle, Becca Leave Apartment. Complex Mourns.

Becca, Spouse Move in with Council Bluffs, Emily. Neighborhood Rejoices.

EXTRA: Vaughns Buy Condo in Springville.

LA Wins Pennant thanks to Angels in the Outfield!

Good Advice.

2009-08-03T19:01:00.009-06:00

The best advice I've ever heard given was from Gavin MacGregor. He wisely stated, "Do what you've gotta do, and make sure it gets done". I really feel like life is better when you take this advice to heart. Here are some historical events involving people who did what they had to do, and got it done.

Some guy in a cool suit showing the Moon it can't stare at us all the time without us flying up there and shoving a flag in its face.

Black children forced to go to school with snotty white brats.

Lab coat man cures Polio and destroys the evil crutches and iron lung industries.

This Pizza.

A great man.

2009-07-29T22:09:00.003-06:00

The main reason I don't like zombie movies is all the gore. Especially the Al Gore.

What do you call it when Al Gore dances?.......... Algorithm (Al Gore Rhythm)

What do you call a fear of being in open spaces with Al Gore?.........Algoraphobia

Those are some of my Al Gore jokes. I just felt like they should be published for posterity's sake.

We just went and saw the new Night at the Museum movie at the dollar theater. It was surprisingly awesome. You know when something is funny, but then it goes on too long and it's not funny anymore, but then it keeps going and it's funny again, and then at the end of the movie they do the same gag again, but with Hank Azaria, and it starts to get old, but then it's over and you wish it didn't stop? That happened. Minds were blown.

Home Alone - Day 8 - Ambiguity

2009-07-21T18:57:00.003-06:00

It's been over a week now and I think I've been holding up just fine.

Sockman's so silly. We don't even have the same prescription. Psh.

At work we've been having problems with the ambiguity of the english language. The particular problem we face is the term "biweekly". My good friends Merriam and Webster can't seem to agree on the subject. Merriam says that it means occurring twice a week, and Webster says it means occurring every two weeks. Come on Merriam-Webster! You're supposed to be a united front! Can context clues help us decide which definition someone is using? Let's see.

"Okay, listen up, it's extremely important that you take this medication biweekly. No more and no less."
"You have a choice of weekly beatings or biweekly beatings, which do you want?

What gives?! We have to do something about this. I have always believed biweekly to mean every two weeks, but when that assumption was challenged and Merriam-Webster let me down, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE ANYMORE! Here are our options.

1. Use the terms twice weekly, and every two weeks exclusively
2. Use biweekly to mean twice a week and use fortnightly to mean every two weeks
3. Use the terms biweekly, homoweekly, and heteroweekly in whatever way we see fit
4. Use either 26 or 104 times yearly.

Whatever we do, we need a consensus!

Home Alone - Day 3 - Itchin' for the Kitchen

2009-07-16T21:32:00.005-06:00

After getting the oil changed today I took a drive to my neighborhood Savers where I became the proud owner/operator of four small mugs. I took them home and made some mug cakes (Fig 1), but when I made a phone call to have someone come help me eat them, I got an answering machine. That made me sad (Fig 1).

Then I realized that reducing the number of consumers reduces the scarcity and to my joy I discovered that while the law of diminishing marginal returns applies to 5 Buck Pizza, it does not apply to mug cakes (Fig 2)

I had leftover batter, so I put it in some random container and baked it. I didn't grease the container and when I tried to remove the delicious cake, it crumbled into a huge mess. I'm sure I'm not the only victim of crumbly cake. Here's what you do when that happens. Take the part of the cake that didn't crumble and go ahead and rip it apart until you have pile of crumbs. Then smash them all into a heart shaped cookie cutter. Add heart shaped sprinkles and drizzle on some chocolate sauce. Then present it to your sweetheart. If your sweetheart happens to be in California, then blog about it and let her know how delicious it was after you ate it instead. This is for you Becca! (Fig. 3) It was really good!

Home Alone - Day 2

2009-07-15T19:40:00.002-06:00

Monday night I got back from L.A. It was a lot of fun. I can't even begin to give an account of everything we did. Things that come immediately to mind are, going to the beach and playing in the waves, eating corn, staying in a really nice hotel with delicious breakfasts, a ton of meat cooked just the way I like it at Uncle David's, and an easy and painless trip home. Becca is still in California and will be there for quite a while. I don't know how long. I guess she'll call me so I can pick her up from the airport. I'll try to keep an account of what I'm doing to keep my sanity while she's away.

Yesterday I went to work, hung out at DI, got our windshield replaced, vacuumed the car twice, ate at Del Taco with CB, Cannon, and Alan, and talked to Becca on the phone.

Today I went to work, put air in the tires, paid some bills, and now I've been trying to watch a movie on Netflix, but the internet is too slow. Sometimes I dream about a magical place where after 15 years of perfecting the internet, it can actually go fast enough to download a decent Kevin Costner movie. That's just a dream. I thought I was lowering my standards too much when my dreams fell from flying cars to decent internet, but apparently I didn't lower them enough. Now I'd settle for an oven that actually is the temperature you set it to.

See Below

2009-07-06T21:49:00.004-06:00

I came home today and Becca was watching Firefly with a friend and the apartment was spotless. Of course I immediately plopped my bag on the kitchen table and proceeded to make a mess, but it was really nice of Becca to give me a clean canvas to make my mess on. Here's to wives and all they put up with. Later we went to Council Bluffs and Emily's to work on our entertainment center. They came out and hung out with us before they went to FHE. Emily helped paint, and CB removed rocks from his lawn so that it will one day be a more comfortable place for Alan to practice hand stands. After that was the highlight of the day - TACO BELL! It's delicious. Here's a picture of our dinner companion.

He was a little yippy and went to the bathroom on the floor, but when he spoke, we lost ourselves in his wisdom and culinary prowess. He taught us the way of the double beef and cheese burrito, the triple layer nachos, the burrito (hold the onion), and the chicken burrito.

Now I'm blogging and Becca is reading. Our stomachs and souls are content. I bet that if I smiled at her right now she would smile back, or throw something at me, but one of those two things. Here we go....she smiled, and called me crazy. I was so right.

New computer.

2009-06-26T21:57:00.003-06:00

So I'm blogging from our new computer. It is not a laptop. It is in fact an iMac. I have become used to laptops and would like to put this iMac in my lap however, I cannot. What I CAN do is leave the computer on my desk, take the wireless keyboard, sit in bed, and type away. I can't always be sure that I'm spelling everything correctly since I can't see the screen very well, but spellcheck will help me out a lot.

In answer to you question, "What the hobo are you doing getting a Mac, Kyle?" I'm giving it a shot. Macs have come a long way from the ones I knew in middle school. So far, there are things I like and things that I'm not really comfortable with. It might take some time for me to warm up to it. I like how simple and uncluttered it is. Windows always comes with a ton of junk that no one wants or needs. AOL? Really? Why the Macarena would I want AOL to come installed on my computer? Now that I have excused myself for owning a Mac, we can all get on with our lives.

ButtBook

2009-06-18T21:38:00.004-06:00

Some ideas just aren't good. Most of them are mine. Some examples:

1. Wearing shredded jeans, a corduroy jacket covered in buttons and a propeller beanie to middle school.

2. Challenging the intelligence of a would be mugger.

3. Buying a guitar with the sole purpose of painting it blue and smashing it against a brick wall. (It was a small guitar)

Those may be bad ideas, but they are bad ideas that I'm not so secretly proud of.

I just got back from watching 17 Again. It was the best movie ever made, but that's beside the point. Here's the thing. This idea has been made into approximately a million movies and I've seen them all, but here's the thing. Here's the point. This time I felt closer to Matthew Perry than I did Zac Efron. I guess technically I'm closer to 17 than I am to 40, but I feel like I saw the same old story of being thrown back into high school but from a new perspective. I think I'll post an age progression of what I will look like when I'm 40. Here it is.

And here is an age regression of what I will look like when I'm 40 and fall into a magical vortex that makes me 17 again.

I almost choked.

2009-05-26T21:32:00.002-06:00

So, I was just sitting at my computer thinking about stuff. While thinking about stuff I had my ring in my mouth. My wedding ring. I had it in my mouth and then the title of this post happened.

One time I was in a hurry to go to class, but also starving. I made a sandwich and started to go up the south stairs while eating. I got tired and started breathing heavily as I tried to eat the sandwich. Then the title of this post happened.

Several years ago at the Olive Garden, I was eating some delicious fried mozzarella sticks. I took a bite and swallowed with out completely biting through the cheese. I had a thick string of cheese traveling from my stomach, past my throat, and into my hand where the rest of the mozzarella stick remained. The title of this post happened.

I'm really sorry about this. I should have known that it isn't a good idea to blog for the sake of blogging. To make up for it, here is a link to sign up for a newsletter and get two dairy queen blizzards for the price of one. Free Blizzard!

I KNEW it!

2009-04-28T21:55:00.002-06:00

May 5th 2005 I predicted on this very blog that there would be a swine flu. I was sooooo RIGHT! I'm not worried about this whole pig disease though. I'm not a pig, so what do I have to worry about? Seriously though, this outbreak is pretty pathetic. According to the CDC, about 36,000 Americans die from the normal flu every year. That's an average of about 100 people a day. This swine flu had been in America for at least 4 days and no one here has died. At least four hundred people should be dead for this to even be an average flu. Frankly, with zero fatalities, it doesn't even deserve to be called the flu. The point I'm getting to is that this is a cover up. Something else big is going on that "they" don't want us to know about. I just took a look at fox news to find out what other stories might be buried by this scare. I believe it's the fact that "Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are expecting twin girls via a surrogate". That's big news! And the government doesn't want you to know.

Why?

2009-04-27T21:04:00.003-06:00

Why am I blogging right now when I should be doing push ups? The answer is that push ups make my tired while blogging does not. I need to get over that. I'm going to do 40 push ups and then come back.

(40 push ups later)

That's better. I'll be going to bed pretty soon. I'm working from 6 to 5 for the next couple of weeks because a coworker is out of town. That means I'll be raking in some savory overtime pay. Today I was thinking about the techniques I use to get through a long work day.

1. Take a LATE lunch. I go in at 6 in the morning and don't take a break until 1 in the afternoon. Post lunch hours are always the worst! So minimizing the number of those hours is a good idea.

2. Keep a running tab of how much your bank account is increasing after every hour. The only time this hasn't worked for me was when I was working on commission and no one was buying. It was depressing to think, "There goes another hour, and I'm not a dime richer."

3. Don't look at the clock. Clocks were invented by Satan's Girl Scout leader. They don't just keep track of what the time is, they keep track of how slowly time is going. If you want to think about what time it is, you should grossly underestimate. That way, when you look at the clock you have a pleasant surprise.

4. Count stuff. This was a technique I used at Dillards. I counted all the ceiling tiles in my department. I would empty boxes of pins and then count them. I'd also get some wax paper and go over all the bars that hangers go on so that they don't squeak when you slide them. That doesn't really have anything to do with counting and therefore does not belong in this paragraph. I invite you to mentally move it to a more appropriate section of this post.

5. Listen to music. That's of course if your workplace allows it. Mine doesn't. Nazis.

Time for sleep.

Controversy

2009-04-21T22:44:00.003-06:00

I'm usually not so controversial on my blog, but I just have to say that THIS is wrong. They should NOT be allowed to marry. It's not natural. Sure, let them do whatever they want, but we shouldn't call it marriage. It's sickening. That's not even the worst thing going on in the world. THIS is also happening! What the freak? What's happening to this country? I'm pretty sure the Bible is pretty clear on this subject.

But wait! I just found something even worse than both of these abominations! THIS is the most putrid disgusting thing anyone could ever witness. It makes a mockery of everything sacred about marriage. I don't even recognize the world I live in. This must truly be the end of days. Oh, wait, they're not married are they? I think they said they wouldn't get married until gay marriage was legal everywhere. We can't let that happen. This unholy union must not take place. Yes to Prop 8!

Looks a lot like Christmas

2009-04-16T22:57:00.001-06:00

Snow in April is like a frown on a Wal-mart greeter. It's like a tattoo of a motorcycle riding pig on an Amish milk maid. It's like a liberal on BYU campus. It's like paying seven bucks for a Five Buck pizza. It's like the Backstreet Boys in my CD player. It's just not natural. It shouldn't be. Of course it ALWAYS snows in April and it will probably snow in May, but just because it IS doesn't mean it should be.

Tomorrow is Friday. I live for the weekend. Ever since I beat school, the weekends have been pretty care free. I used to have to study or work on a project or do homework or not do any of those things but feel stressed about the fact that I'm not doing them. Now I can clock out of work Friday afternoon and not think about work again until Monday morning. It's awesome! If any of you are worried about graduating and entering the "real" world, DON'T! It's freaking amazing! Sure, getting an education is great and all, but not having to go to school is a wonderful feeling. Here's to the class of '09. Cheers.

Ms. Issippi

2009-04-14T22:23:00.007-06:00

If you want to win a state beauty pageant, let it be Mississippi. You can't miss the reason why. Today was Becca's last day of classes! The thing I miss the least about school is getting to class, sitting down and seeing everyone start passing up some assignment that I had never seen. What?! Did I MISS something? That's a horrible feeling. I also won't miss trying to get a schedule that actually makes sense, instead of having four hour gaps in which I go home, eat, watch TV, and decide it's no bid deal if I miss my next class. For those of you who are not familiar with Mississippi. It's the Magnolia State. It's also the one where if you take it and its mirror image and put them back to back, flip it upside down and color it pink it kind of looks like someone skinned a pig and hung it up on their wall.

Asthma

2009-04-13T22:42:00.003-06:00

Once upon a time I was in Boy Scouts. While in Boy Scouts I was able to be in the Order of the Arrow. To join the Order of the Arrow I had to go through the "ordeal". I don't remember what was supposed to be the ordeal. Maybe it was working outside all day and only eating some crackers for lunch or something. The real ordeal was that right when I started working, I had an asthma attack and didn't have my inhaler. I didn't tell anyone because I thought this whole Order of the Arrow thing was actually important and I didn't want to look like a wuss. So, I suffered all day and my asthma was always causing me problems. Then at night I woke up and couldn't breathe so I started going from sleeping bag to sleeping bag waking people up and asking them if they had asthma and had an inhaler with them. No one did, so I just got back in my sleeping bag and concentrated on trying to force oxygen through the narrow passage way to my lungs. After not sleeping that night, I got up and worked the next day. Finally, the camp ended, my mom picked me up and took me home, and I was able to take a couple puffs and feel relief. My lungs instantly opened up and I could breathe again. That was probably the happiest moment of my life up to that point.

For old times's sake

2009-04-11T00:26:00.003-06:00

When I was in college this video would keep me and my roommates up at night. It was hard to sleep when the world was so awesome.

Do you ever?

2009-04-09T21:47:00.007-06:00

Do you ever stare in a mirror and try to dilate your eyes by altering your emotional state?

Do you ever split yourself into different personalities because it's the only way you can find to organize your varying thoughts and feelings?

Do you ever read White Ninja Comics and think "What the crazy?"

Do you ever find meaningless deceit and trickery to be the most fun that can be had?

Do you ever say that someone's timing is a "horrible cake-eater" or call them "silly vats of incoherent lint"?

Do you ever wish you had one of these?

If you answered yes to zero or more of these questions, this is the blog for you. Come back soon and often. Thank you.

Daily Life

2009-04-08T20:47:00.002-06:00

I've been neglecting to record my day to day activities. This was today:

Becca's cell phone went off at 6:45 just like every morning. I got up and turned on the heat and went back to bed. The alarm went off again at 7:00 and I got up for good, showered, ate an apple, and wondered if 1:00pm Kyle would be mad at me for only eating an apple. Then I brushed my teeth, dropped Becca off at work, drove to Springville, clocked in at work, and sat down at my computer. I didn't have any emails, so I read some results from the day before and cleaned up a bit. Paola asked me to look into equipment to do some testing for anaerobic bacteria so I looked into it for a while and saw a few different things ranging from 15,000 dollars to 600 dollars. I decided that I'll have to talk to her and figure out how fancy we want to get before I research any further. Then I set up some samples and started to get mad a 7:30am Kyle for only eating an apple. That jerk. I eventually went to lunch. I ate a ham sandwich and questioned the existence of the world. After lunch I set up more samples, did some data entry, and then went home. Becca was almost finished with a delicious chicken scallopine dinner. 5:15 Kyle was very grateful for 5:15 Becca. In fact, 9:00PM Kyle is grateful for 5:15 Becca even though he has never met her. All he knows is that there's a good feeling in his insides and 5:15 Becca is responsible for it.

Is there a funnier word?

2009-04-05T21:18:00.005-06:00

Poop. That's right. I said it. Nothing is taboo for me. The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader is full of it (poop). Some of my favorite paragraphs are when there is some kind of danger and they all run up to the poop, or dance on the poop, or clean the poop, or even the time when a giant sea serpent almost squeezes the poop. THAT is classic comedy and I am forever grateful to the genius of C.S. Lewis. Becca has been sick for almost a week now. It's no fun for her and she has a ton of work to get done before the end of the semester, but after that, it's all over! We will do nothing but have fun for the rest of our lives! Here's the plan for after Becca graduates. I haven't discussed it with her yet, but I'm sure she'll be fine with it. First, we'll be homeless for a while. Everyone will be homeless at some point in their life, so we'll get it over with in the beginning so that we can appreciate being homeful later on. We'll save up money from our amateur ventriloquist/sword swallowing act we do on the streets and then spend it on tattoos. Hopefully we will get the Guiness World Record for most tattooed homeless couple and then get the world record for the most extensive laser tattoo removal performed on a homeless couple. Our fame will earn us enough money to buy a 1996 Geo Metro and some gas, so we'll drive to California and I'll find a job as a Micro/Molecular Biologist and we'll rent for a while and then we'll have some kids and buy a house and shock our neighbors with our incredible homeless/ventriloquist/sword swallowing/tattooing/untattooing/record winning story.

Shopping Spree

2009-04-01T18:51:00.004-06:00

We've been doing a good job at reaching our savings goals. I'm proud of us. If we spent all of our money, we could buy one of the following items from the classifieds.

When we got married ten and a half months ago I had just paid off my debt and we had $ 0.00 Now we could have $0.00 and a HORSE! That is so awesome! I could ride my horse to work and tie it to a lamp post in the parking lot! Me and Becca could ride it to the dollar theater and then go feed it some grass, or peanut butter! That motorcycle would be pretty cool too.

Random Quote,Picture

2009-03-25T21:13:00.002-06:00

The story behind this picture is that I searched, "random picture", and then "random quote". I was hoping to get something funny. What I got was something that actually made me a little sad. At least I know that the baby will grow up in a world where keyboards are more ergonomic, and the entire series of Seinfeld can be purchased on DVD.

Here is a truth.

Boys always want to impress girls with how loud they can burp, but no boy wants a girl who is impressed with how loud he can burp.

Here is a lie.

You can do anything you set your mind to.

I just went and depressed myself again. I shouldn't be though. Becca isn't impressed with how loud I can burp (and believe me it's really loud) and I have never set my mind to do anything.

On Location

2009-03-25T20:27:00.003-06:00

Today I'm blogging on location...in my apartment. So, I cut my finger a while back. It hurt, but Becca was there to hold my hand (my other hand, not the bloody one). The experience taught me ten important life lessons.

1. Never cut your finger
2. If you do, never go to the emergency room.
3. If you do, watch TV while on the hospital bed.
4. Go to Outback after getting stitches.
5. If you do, Never get a burger
6. Get a steak.
7. Never get stitches on Friday the 13th
8. If you do, get 13 stitches
9. Don't get 12 stitches
10. Pay extra for that 13th stitch.

I started my 401K at work today. I chose for all my money to be invested in Sherwin-Williams, because lets face it. Their logo really knows how to stick it to two of my least favorite people: Environmentalists and Non-Imperialists.

2.5 Things about me.

2009-02-24T22:02:00.002-07:00

1. I have never read any one's "25 things about me" list.

2. It's only because no one has ever tagged me in one.

3. People think I'm not cool enough. Well, everyone will feel pretty foolish on March 4, 2010 when I...

I hope you enjoyed my 2.5 things. If you would like to subscribe to my newsletter "Things about Kyle : Short Lists for the Listless" please tell me a way that I could make money by getting subscribers to a newsletter and what I should include in such a newsletter.

Valentine's Day

2009-02-16T21:14:00.001-07:00

Wow, I can't believe I have been blogging long enough for this to be my 4th Valentine's Day post. This time I got to spend it with my wife. We had a very cultural day. When I say cultural, I mean we got to explore a culture that neither of us was very familiar with. It's a culture of tattoos on men, women, and children. It's a culture of cigarette smoke, beer, and saturated fat. It's a culture of dirt, exhaust, and deafening noise. It's the culture of Monster Trucks. We were very moved by the experience. I think I cried a little.

There's this girl I know who's really awesome. If it weren't for her I would probably never do anything. I would just sit and stare at a wall until the second coming, or a Charles in Charge reunion movie. She's an amazing friend to me and a lot of other people. More importantly, she's an amazing enemy to all of my enemies. (That's right Calista Flockhart, you'd better watch your back) People can count on her. I've only known her for a little over two years, but it's hard to believe that anything existed before her. I love to see her laugh. I wish I could record a video of her laughing, put it on repeat, and play it on some futuristic contact lenses all day, and when anyone asked me why I was so happy to see them, I'd simply reply, "It has nothing to do with you, someone else is making me happy". This girl managed to take the ashes of my self-esteem, reconstitute them into living matter, piece together the broken fragments, smooth all the rough edges, and shine it up like a brand spankin' new monster truck. Plus, as time goes on, and life gets to me, she's always there to apply a new coat of wax. She puts up with my ridiculous metaphors and similes like a hyrax puts up with its closest living relative, the elephant. Her initials were RKA, but now they're RKV. She got married around the same time I did. Her husband is an okay guy, but I like being around him a lot more when she's there. I love her.

Wow I'm starving and need to eat something STAT. By the way, just to remove doubt from anyone's mind, I was talking about Becca.

Korean

2009-02-05T21:53:00.007-07:00

Here is an English phrase.
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?

Here is the same phrase translated to Korean and back into English.
How many which lick where does many this it; In order to get in the justice center has and goes; Tootsie lists Pop?

Here is the resulting phrase run though the translation a second time.
Do many this in it where, how many which licks probably is many; Is having and that gets from the process center, goes; Do Tootsie rosters break?

A third time.
The many thing stamp how many is many, is many and probably and this from it which licks in the place; Is having and it goes and from the processing center, gets; Do Tootsie rosters cut off?

Lost in Translation - A poem by Kyle

For which thing which lick to be many,
from place how many is many,
and is, the thing stamp which is many,
the many thing and probably and is this from it;
Is having and it gets
and from the processing center, goes;
Tootsie rosters which are intercepted?

Critical Thinking Exercise 1

2009-02-01T18:36:00.006-07:00

In school, teachers would assign the exercises at the end of the chapters. I always loved to hear the words, "Go ahead and skip the critical thinking exercises." Now I want to go back and complete the exercises I skipped; starting with elementary school.

Directions: For each number, explain what the words have in common.

1. California, New York, Mississippi
Nothing. They're not even in the same state. duh...

2. Pizza, French fries, Cheeseburger
They all played a part in killing John Candy.

3. Rose, Daffodil, Carnation
Girls who would have dumped me had I dated them.

4. Washington, Lincoln, Clinton
The -un sound.

5. Red, Blue, Purple
The personality types of my closest friends, and the color purple.

6. Radio, Telephone, CD player
Things I could steal and sell at Jumping Jack Cash pawn shop.

7. Milk, Juice, Soda pop
Things that should only be mixed and consumed when in desperate need of getting a girl's attention in the lunch room.

8. Basketball, Football, Soccer
Things I've always been ashamed of not being good at, but that I am still forced to do in school. The principal causes of embarrassment, trauma, and depression.

9. Newspaper, Book, Magazine
Things that are inferior to Wikipedia, no matter what every BYU english teacher says.

10. Cow, Pig, Horse
Lieutenants in His Majesty's Royal Navy

Beauty

2009-01-25T18:49:00.003-07:00

This post is dedicated to some of Nature's more beautiful creations.

The Giant Chinese Salamander

The Star-nosed Mole

The Blobfish

The Slimy Hagfish

The Hairy Angler

The Angelina Jolie

Insight

2009-01-17T11:53:00.002-07:00

I hear that Whitney is back from the cold cold land of mother Russia! That would be great, but I don't believe that she's really back. You see, bitofwhit hasn't been updated. If AAAAhhhhhwwwwhit were really back, she would update bitofwhit.

Here's some insight into how my mind works. I always buckle my seat belt. For example, if I'm driving back from Smith's which is two blocks away I'll think, "maybe I won't buckle my seatbelt", but then I always do. Here's the reason. It would be really embarrassing to get in a car accident and die because I wasn't wearing my seatbelt. The thought of some news woman putting on a serious face and saying, "A 24 year-old was killed in an automotive accident this Saturday night on his way home from buying hemorrhoid cream. The driver was not wearing his seatbelt" makes me cringe.

Short

2009-01-04T18:31:00.000-07:00

I'm blogging from our new wii. It takes a long time, so I will only write that which is most important for the future of the human race. MEATLOAF ROCKS!!! Wow I kind of feel like Nephi.

To Defend My Honor

2008-12-09T22:05:00.004-07:00

Becca's picture of our tree made it look tiny! It's not that small. Really. Here's a picture of us standing in front of it. You can clearly see that when put in the proper perspective, it's really a great tree. Here's to you Charlie Brown.

Wordy Water Way Wacky

2008-12-09T18:05:00.005-07:00

A co-worker brought this in to work yesterday. It's a real advertisement from a real magazine. Believe me. This is not your ordinary hoody.

Wow. Those are some interesting facts. I mean, of course I knew that the intent of words can change the structure of water. That's basic chemistry/linguistics, but there is no way that we are 70% water. It's absolutely ridiculous. It's amazing what kind of stuff people will make up to earn a buck (in this case 79 bucks). Why don't they just market mugs with positive words written on them? That would make more sense. There's no reason to lie about the make up of the human body. It made them lose all credibility. If I end up buying these for every single friend and family member, It will be because of the giant DNA molocule eating Earth, and not the words printed on the inside, that's for dang sure.

I WIN

2008-11-04T20:47:00.003-07:00

There was an election tonight, and it turns out that I won. I would like to thank everyone who voted. I will do my best to not destroy this country. In the next four years I plan to employ a strict program of eugenics. Give me four years of complete submission and I will make Americans stronger, taller, faster, and less diverse. For the economy, I will pay off all our debt. That's something I like to do. First, I'll sell California and New York to the Japanese. That should make some money. Don't worry. I don't want to lose California or New York permanently. We're going to play a little "Trojan horse" game on the Japanese. After we sell it, Californians and New Yorkers will simply revolt. Become their own countries for a few months, and then decide to join the union again. A union with no debt and a robot senate. What about abortion? Well, I say we let the babies decide. We should raise the "to be aborted" baby to the age of 18 and then let it choose if it should be aborted or not. That's fair isn't it? Illegal immigration? Let's just make all immigration legal! Then it won't be a problem. What should we do about Iraq? We'll ignore it. People are bored with it. I also propose we change the flag. Here's what it will now look like.

It's a frog fighting a snake. I'd salute that. And you will too.

CB's Ex

2008-10-07T16:49:00.002-06:00

I didn't know Council Bluffs's old flame was still in town. Emily had better keep a close eye on him.

Lightning Strikes the Brittle Vein in the Forehead of my Mind

2008-10-02T19:05:00.004-06:00

Kyle here, just sitting on the couch watching School of Rock and remembering the time I rented it and took it to Idaho with Lashley and Tania in search of the elusive Civil Defense Caves, tore up my car, had a lot of fun, ran around on a sand dune, had a lot of fun, and drove home while Lashley and Tania watched School of Rock in the back seat. I take credit for their future together. I wonder what they're up to?

I saw the car of Council Bluffs's old girlfriend today. Picture to be posted soon.

Also, it's Becca's birthday month! If you see her wish her a happy birthday. It's also my Mom's birthday month! If you see her wish her a happy birthday too. If you see me, don't wish me a happy birthday. You see it's not my birthday month. You see how that goes? I don't know what I'm talking about.

Tip of the Day - Optimism

Optimism is all about seeing the good in every situation. For example, let's say someone insults the cut of your jib and get's up in your grill every time you see them. Look on the bright side! One day they will be dead and no one will miss them! Let's say you fail an important math exam. Look on the bright side! Seinfeld is probably on! Actually, that's the silver lining in every cloud.

"I'm sorry, you are terminally ill and only have one month to live....and your dog likes Gilmore Girls"

"Does Seinfeld still exist?"

"Yes"

"Great!"

Large Hobo

2008-09-17T17:06:00.006-06:00

Alan owes me a new pair of pants, because a receipt of his made me wet mine. What is a large hobo? I found this image online. It's only one number off the number on his receipt. Hmmm...Sinister. His hobo must have been one of another color.

After further investigation, I discovered that this must be the large hobo he was talking about. That thing will pay for itself in no time at all.

Tip of the Day - Teamwork

Teamwork is the art of making people do things for you and making them feel guilty if they don't. I'm not a fan of teamwork because I'm usually the one who is teamworked and not the one teamworking. If anyone ever approaches you with a proposition of teamwork you need to ask them a question followed by a répondre toujours The question is, Whose team? No matter what answer they give, tell them to take their communist propaganda and socioeconomize it with their communal hammer and sickle.

Bear Grylls, Expensive Cars, etc...

2008-09-12T16:55:00.005-06:00

Tonight will be a relaxing evening at home with my wife. Becca isn't feeling well, so rest and plenty of fluids will be our nightlife. She's sitting right next to me reading a book about Bear Grylls that I gave her for her Birthday last year. Becca, what's your favorite thing about Bear Grylls? "He has a nephew named Mungo". I think her true favorite thing is the way he drinks his own urine, or compares the color of his urine to the color of his friend's urine. Tonight we also need to clean the house so that Christy never knows how messy our apartment usually is. In it's current state I doubt that Bear Grylls himself could make it from the door to the kitchen. And if he did, he'd have to drink his own urine on the way.

I'm introducing a new feature on my blog. It's the Tip of the Day. The Tip of the Day doesn't represent the views or opinions of this blogger or his followers. It's meant to be either satirical, sarcastic, silly, or just plain stupid. I love playing devil's advocate. I'd make it a career, but the devil doesn't offer a good 401K. And he doesn't have any scruples. I just can't respect an unholy demon bent on the destruction and captivity of our souls that doesn't have any scruples.

Tip of the Day - Family Finance

The only way to have enough money to pay for your children's college education is to not have any kids. Is this extreme? Maybe it's possible to do it by just having one less kid. First, decide how many children you want and then have one less. Let's say that number is four for the sake of this tip. It costs about 736,000 dollars to raise four children in a middle class home in the United Stated. If you only have three, you save 184,000 dollars! That leaves you with more than 60,000 dollars per kid. That will pay for a top of the line education. If you're really good at family finance, you won't have a family at all. With that 736,000 dollar "no kid bonus", you could buy this LeBlanc Mirabeau and enough gas to run it for twenty years.

It's a two-seater, which is great. Enough room for you and your groceries on your way back to your lonely apartment so you can eat two and a half bags of Doritos and then lick the processed cheese powder off your fingers while watching Cheaper by the Dozen.

Jerry-man-der-ring

2008-09-04T21:18:00.003-06:00

I spy with my little telescopic spy mirror...something....Bungee-y!!!!!!

I spy with my little telescopic spy mirror...something....Camera-y!!!!!!

I spy with my little telescopic spy mirror...something....Bird-y!!!!!!

I spy with my little telescopic spy mirror...something....Creep-y!!!!!!

Tied for first place in the greatest sister-in-law competition is Katy Anderson. She gave me a telescopic spy mirror and some bungee cords. Eternal gold medalist in the greatest wife competition, Becca Vaughn, has a great eye for things that I will think are the cat's meow. You should see the cuff links she got me. Yowsers! They rock. She is back in school and loving every minute of it. I'm excited to vicariously learn some Welsh through her. Here is an acrostic describing my adorable wife.

Bear Grylls Enthusiast
Empathetic
Caring
Capri Sun
Arsonist-NOT

Venerable
All That and a Bag of Chips
Uber Classy
Great
Heart of Gold
Norse God of Wisdom...Pretty much

It Needs a Name

2008-08-18T19:54:00.006-06:00

What is this? It's the best picture I've ever drawn. It's a picture of the moon escaping backwards from a lasso happy pair of legs with a head and a cowboy hat stuck on somehow. All it needs is a good title. If you want to post a suggestion I would greatly appreciate it. You can also think of something funny and just laugh to yourself without ever telling anyone. I would greatly appreciate that too. Or you can spit at your computer screen in disgust. I wouldn't appreciate it. Your computer wouldn't appreciate it. But you might, so hey.

I used to feel like that moon. Other times I'd feel like the cowboy, or the lasso. I'm happy to say that at this moment and as of late, I don't feel like anything in this drawing (with the exception of the color teal). I'm pretty happy. I'm not chasing anything. I'm not being chased by anything. I'm not being used by a torso-less cowboy. I'm actually pretty happy. I'm just enjoying life, hanging out with my wife, avoiding strife, sharpening a knife*, and thinking about Chuck Fife. We're out of debt now which feels pretty nice, so now we're saving up for the future. What does the future hold for us? Well, I visited the future* and I didn't like how things were, so I've been working to change them. The problem is that once you change the future you're back at square one and you don't know how anything is going to turn out again. Time travel isn't nearly as glamorous as Bill and Ted make it seem.

I'm excited for school to start because I'll get to savor the fact that I won't be there. It's too bad that Becca has to go. I'm sorry Becca. It'll be over soon. I promise.

* Bold-faced Lie

Do you hereby covenant?

2008-08-09T11:04:00.003-06:00

I, Kyle, do hereby swear by the honor and livelihood of my chiropractor that I will blog at the very least once a week from this day forward.

Now that's out of the way, you may be asking yourself why it has been so long since I've blogged. Was I abducted by aliens again? No. Was I on a mission again? No. Was I out declaring my mantra "You madmen! Stop feeding those salamanders!..." to the world? No. Was I just lazy? Yes. I was too lazy to blog. Luckily I've discovered a wonderful chemical that kicked me in the taste buds and dragged me to the computer, held a carboxyl group to my head, and told me to blog. This chemical is none other than the well known yet misunderstood CITRIC ACID.

I came across a bag of the good stuff and tried making some super sour lemonade, but unfortunately the lemonade became saturated and it was pretty sour, but not what I was expecting, so I took a pinch of pure unadulterated Citric Acid and placed it on my tongue. Yowzers! That stuff is GOOD! Me and Becca are going to see the Dark Knight again and I think I'll bring along my good friend 2-hydroxypropane-1,2,3-tricarboxylic acid. Who needs sour patch kids?

My hope is that frequent blogging will help me step it up and get more excited about polluting the internet with my life. I just need to renew my love for blogs. I want to go back to the day when blogs were "secret" yet all too public. The days when we would plan doing something outrageous just to see if we would be mentioned in someone's blog for it.

Ode to Modest Midnight Showers

2008-07-22T20:21:00.006-06:00

Closing eyes in hopes of rest,

sweaty shirt stuck to my chest,

beads of sweat form on my face,

I'm already a basket case.

I need relief from this steamy sheet

I've got a beef with the summer heat

To the shower for half an hour

Till all my clothes are soaked with power

Back to bed to feel the breeze

of the fan that cools my knees

Asleep to dream of want and wishing

Of the day when I'll have air conditioning.

Listen to this......Put aside your misplaced values and tireless pride for one moment and listen to the advice of a young man trying to help you. HAVE GOOD AIR CONDITIONING and USE IT. My life is completely different now. I fall asleep without having to shower with all my clothes on. No box fans. No sweltering heat. Only love and comfort. I used to be miserable from June 1st to September 1st. There was no escaping the heat. Me and Alan used to have a thermometer in our room. We would check the thermometer and google to compare the indoor and outdoor temperatures. At night I would wait until the outside temp was one degree lower than the indoor temp. Then I would open the window and turn on the box fan to suck in that cool delicious 91 degree weather to alter the climate of our 92 degree room. I hated life more than I hate politics. And anyone that knows me or has had the misfortune of crossing my path while on the campaign trail knows that is saying something.